Tuvok and Neelix: Written for Fanfiction

It’s official. Fanfiction has ruined Star Trek Voyager for me. The once pinnacle of my science fiction TV interest is now as good as a 1,000 word PWP slash fic on fanfic.net. 

This morning I decided to treat myself to an episode of Star Trek Voyager after winning possibly the easiest find-shit-on-the-screen game with the worst plot line ever. This wasn’t so much a treat as it was me trying to not finish watching the last few episodes of Leverage that I have left so they might last me until June when the next season starts.

Anyway, I’m watching an episode from the third season, Rise, where the Voyager crew is trying to save a newly colonized planet that is cursed with asteroid collisions. They can’t just blow up the asteroids with the phasers and they hear word from the surface that the composition of the asteroids is suspect so they decide to send a team down to investigate. This team consists of Tuvok, Neelix, and some representative from the planet.

Neelix, whose cranial coloring looks very much like the bruising on my mother's broken arm did

Tuvok. He must fap like forty times a day to maintain that type of pokerface.

 

When I watched Star Trek as a middle schooler, with eyes only for Chakotay, I didn’t really notice much about the Tuvok/Neelix relationship other than the two made a great comedy duo. Neelix is the resident camp counselor of Voyager, planning social nights and cooking for anyone who doesn’t want to eat replicator food and likes to gamble with their health. (Being that the Doctor is pretty sexy, I would probably be one of these people.) When his dynamic meets Tuvoks I’m-a-Vulcan-and-have-no-feeling-so-there personality, it’s cinematic gold, as far as Star Trek goes at least. Neelix tries to make Tuvok like him to no avail. Generally the episodes that have some sort of side story with the two of them end at some sort of awkward middle ground where Tuvok doesn’t have to actually say “I think you are worthy of breathing the air on this vessel” and Neelix can feel like Tuvok thinks that he is worthy. It’s all passive and lacks communication, like a loveless marriage. But a lot of things are like a loveless marriage these days.

Take this bit of dialogue as an example.

TUVOK: Mister Neelix.
NEELIX: Excuse me. Yes sir!
TUVOK: Your interpersonal activities are delaying our progress.
NEELIX: What do you mean?
TUVOK: Since we arrived, you have spent as much time engaged in idle conversation as you have making repairs.
NEELIX: I'm just trying to cheer everyone up a little.
TUVOK: Your function at the moment is to repair this vessel, not to boost morale. This is not the holodeck nor the mess hall. This is a life-threatening situation and your attention should be focused on one thing alone - our safe return to Voyager.
NEELIX: Sorry, sir. I'll finish as fast as I can.

The chemistry, it’s overwhelming. Sure, Tuvok points out the obvious using his rank to and logic to push Neelix into compliance. And then there’s the way that Neelix calls Tuvok “sir” that could be interpreted so many ways. Oh, and by “so many ways” I mean “could be turned into the most inappropriate slash fanfiction of all time.”

Let’s listen in some more, shall we?

NEELIX: I don't know. I've got a funny feeling about this.

TUVOK: I'm not interested in your funny feeling.

NEELIX: You're not listening to what I'm saying. Delirious or not, he said he needed whatever's up there. What if it's something that can help us?

TUVOK: I will not debate this with you. Please pilot the craft and remain silent.

NEELIX: You're going to listen to me!

TUVOK: You are becoming emotionally distraught. There is little point in furthering this discussion.

NEELIX: I'll tell you who's being emotional. You! You hide it beneath that Vulcan calm but truth is, you're filled with contempt and sarcasm, and I'm tired of being the target of all your hostility.

TUVOK: You are mistaken.

LILLIAS: No, he's not. I can see it every time you talk to Neelix. You're dismissive and condescending.

TUVOK: You are projecting your own emotional bias onto my actions. I have no feelings towards Mister Neelix.

NEELIX: That's right! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You have no feelings for me, but you have feelings against me. For three years you've ridiculed me and made it obvious to everyone that you have no respect for me, and I've tolerated it. You know why? You know why? Because you are smarter than I am, Tuvok, and more logical, stronger, superior in almost every way, and I admire you. But you don't have any instincts, have any gut feelings, and you don't really understand people. But non-Vulcans have feelings and they have to listen to them. I've got to listen to mine, and right now they're telling me we need to get up on that roof and find out what the Doctor was talking about.

TUVOK: I disagree.
NEELIX: Fine! But I'm the only one who can pilot this vessel, and we're not going anywhere until someone goes up on that roof.
TUVOK: You leave me little choice.



A little change ain't so bad Mister Vulcan



It’s almost as if the writers were asking for fanficiton with dialogue like this. Alright last little bit. This takes place at the end of the episode when the victimized aliens have been saved and the evil, colony-sabotaging aliens defeated, leaving the Voyager crew to get on with their daily lives until the Delta Quadrant produced another problem that only a noble, diverse Star Fleet crew can solve. At this time, Tuvok approaches Neelix to wrap up any suspicion that this relationship they are forming is accidental.

TUVOK: Mister Neelix, I thought you should know that I have submitted my mission report to the Captain. I've given you a special commendation for your endurance and bravery.

NEELIX: I'm honoured.

TUVOK: Your instincts were correct. However, one day your intuition will fail and you will finally understand that logic is primary above all else. Instinct is simply another term for serendipity.

NEELIX: And one day, Mister Vulcan, I'll get you to trust your gut.

TUVOK: That is doubtful.

NEELIX: We'll see.

TUVOK: Your attempts have yet to succeed.

NEELIX: You always have to get in that last word, don't you.
TUVOK: I'm simply responding to your erroneous statement.
NEELIX: Something tells me you just hate to lose an argument.
TUVOK: Losing is irrelevant.
NEELIX: See what I mean?
TUVOK: No, I do not.

As of now, I have not read any Tuvok/Neelix fanfiction of any kind. Nor have I written any. But I know it exists, not only because of rule 34 and 35 but because I would almost be disappointed if there wasn’t. I did a quick Google search in hopes of finding some sort of shoop of the two of them together (which you can generally find under the guise of “fanart”) and discovered that there are a lot of cats named Neelix. Here is a short montage.

These cats are actually Tuvok and Neelix and was the closest thing to fanart I could find. I think we all know what this 8-year-old is going to be doing in 5 years.

Daw, so cute. Almost makes it worth it. Wait, no it doesn't. Definitely doesn't.

Torteloni

Stacy and I have been wanting to make homemade pasta for months now. We finally got the chance today and ended up making torteloni which is the older brother of tortellini. It takes about 2 hours but it is SO worth it. I suppose it helps that wonton soup is one of my favorite types of food.

This is a good dish to make if you really want to impress the pants off of someone.

Ingredients:

1 1/2 flour

3 eggs (The rule is 1 egg for each 100 grams of flour and 100 grams is about 3/4 cup)

1/2 pound of meat (ground beef, chicken, or turkey)

1/2 cup shredded cheese
Bullion
Minced garlic
Basil, oregano, pepper, salt, sage, garlic powder

Tools:
Pizza cutter
Fork
Bowl
Pot
Rolling pin

Directions
1) Start heating the water on the stove for the broth. Add bullion and spice as needed. Mix the cheese, garlic, and meat in a bowl and mix well. Add spices and set aside.

2) Dump all of the flour on a cleaned table. Make a wide with half inch or inch high walls. There should be no flour at the bottom of the crater.

3) Crack 2 eggs into it and use the fork to start slowing whipping the eggs and then slowly start mixing in the flour.

4) Once it has reached a consistency that can be kneaded, slowly start kneading it. When it is no longer sticky push the rest of the flour aside and start using your hand to knead it.

5) As it become smoother, clean the table off a bit and then sprinkle flour down and use the rolling pin to start rolling it out.

When it has become fairly thin (almost paper thin), use the pizza cutter to cut it into 2" by 2" squares.

6) Put a bit of meat in the center of each.

Fold the square into a triangle. Use a bit of water to seal it if necessary.

Using your index finger, place the triangle on it, bottom of the triangle down.

Next, take the two points pointing left and right and bring them down to meet below your index finger.

Use a bit of water to seal the two points together, it should look like you have a very awkward ring on.

Slip the torteloni off and set aside.

*NOTE: When you set them aside, make sure it isn't in a bowl or something where they could all stick together. It's best to just put them on the table, separated.

7) Complete the rest of the torteloni as in step #6. Once all of the torteloni has been made, carefully place them in the boiling water. Do this a few at a time to be extra careful.

8) Boil for 10-15 minutes. Check one to make sure the meat is cooked fully.

9) Serve with broth in bowls and enjoy.

MOD IT

*Make it vegetarian: Substitute meat for pre-cooked spinach mixed with cheese, garlic and spices.

*Make it more pasta-y: Boil the torteloni in water and use slotted spoon to take them out when they are finished. Serve with marinara, pesto, alfredo or some other type of pasta sauce.

*Change the shape: As you get better at forming the torteloni, you can start changing up the shape and size of the pasta. Or if you make torteloni with different fillings, they could be made in different shapes to tell the difference.

*Coloring: You could probably get away with adding food color to the pasta dough to add a different spin on your dish

Mammal Protein Free Chicken Pot Pie

Because of my monumental laziness and lack of motivation, I have made the executive decision to turn this in to a whatever-the-fuck-I-want-to-talk-about blog. If I understand correctly, most blogs are managed this way. So today I want to talk about the mammal protein free chicken pot pie I made last weekend.

You may be asking yourself: why would you make a mammal protein free chicken pot pie? Is this some sort of new dietary craze with the reasoning that poultry doesn’t count as an actual animal?

This was the second result on Google Image search for Poultry Protest

No, no it is not a new trend that will have your parents even more confused about the moral priorities of today’s youth. Rather it is in respect to a dear friend of mine whose body, while fabulous in unspeakable ways, is unable to properly digest mammal protein. This combined with my own inability to eat a laundry list of food makes cooking for or eating out with both of us very difficult. So when I cook at his house, I try to respectfully lay off the cheese and milk so we may find some common ground. Since I’m not allowed to do dishes while I’m at his house (a rule which I broke this very weekend), I felt it only respectful that he come home to a hot meal.

On a side note, the small town that he lives in is what I now like to refer to as the Ark of Consumerism. Because there is two types of every fucking store. They have a Home Depot and a Menards. A Burger King and a Wendy’s. A Cub Foods and a Rainbow Foods. A Target and a Wal-mart. And the list goes on, from coffee shops to thrift stores to banks. I think it’s safe to say that I’ve found where I will be hiding up during the zombie apocalypse. Oh, and it’s a Super Target.

Anyway, after a horrific Friday (that most notably involved me going to the doctor only to realize that I sound like a drug addicted harpy along with losing $500 and my EBT card) I gave up on the idea of making chicken pot pie and instead ate sweet potato fries and pizza for dinner and finished the night off with a good six hours of Oblivion. It felt great even though I couldn’t level up because I had been kicked out of the Mages Guild and became a vampire every time I went to sleep. After another six hours or so of Oblivion the next day, I finally pushed myself to make the pot pie.

This is what happens to you when you become a vampire. It is not pretty and not even Botox can save you.

Mammal-Protein Free Chicken Pot Pie

The chicken pot pie recipe is cheap and easy, taking perhaps an hour or an hour and fifteen minutes.

Ingredients

4-5 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cubed

1.5 packages of frozen corn, beans, carrots, and peas mix

1 large potato, skinned and cubed

2 cups of plain or original soy milk

1.5 cup of chicken broth

2 eggs

2 cups of Bisquick baking mix

Salt, pepper, rosemary, basil, thyme, garlic powder

Supplies

Large, glass casserole dish

One fairly large bowl

Frying pan and/or saucepan

Whisk

Scrapper

1) Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

2) You need to precook the cubed chicken breast and the potato. I generally do this by boiling them. The chicken turns out juicier and you don’t have to worry about burning it. Just make sure you watch them and check them periodically so you don’t overcook.

3) Mix the veggies with the cooked potatoes and chicken in the casserole dish, mix in your seasonings to your desires. I prefer to crush rosemary before I add it to dishes. You can blame my mother’s lack of acceptance of hard, pine needle type things in her food for that one.

4) Pour 1 cup of soy milk and the chicken broth on top of the filling. Depending on the size of the pan you are using, you may want to top it off with some more chicken broth. The broth should not come up over the filling and there should certainly not be any filling floating in the broth. If this happens, either move it to a smaller pan or add more vegetables to the filling.

5) In the bowl, mix the 2^nd cup of soy milk with the Bisquick and eggs. Whisk until well mixed but still with little lumps.  Pour this on top of the filling. The topping should completely cover the filling, if it doesn’t use the bowl to mix ½ cup Bisquick with ¼ soy milk and one egg. Add this to the pan until all filling is sufficiently covered.

6) Put it in the oven for 30-45 minutes, depending on how large the pan is. The topping should be golden brown and hollow sounding.

7) Cut and serve!

MOD IT

* OMG USE REAL VEGETABLES!!!!1 You will have to pre-cook them at least half way so that you don’t have an extra-crunchy pot pie but the difference in taste may be worth it. Same could go with using fresh herbs.

*Add some of that mammal protein. Just use real milk instead of soy milk.

*Make it vegetarian. Just marinate some tofu and pre-fry for crispyness and use vegetable broth or mushroom broth.  I totally recommend Better Than Bullion, you will never look at bullion the same way again.  If marinating and frying tofu is too much, just add more potatoes.

*Make it vegan. First, make it vegetarian but make your own Bisquick-esk mix for the topping with egg substitute.

*Mix up the ingredients. No, not like putting the Bisquick at the bottom of the pan, more like using sweet potatoes and beets. Or apples, peaches, and berries? Wildberries, perhaps?