Tuvok and Neelix: Written for Fanfiction

It’s official. Fanfiction has ruined Star Trek Voyager for me. The once pinnacle of my science fiction TV interest is now as good as a 1,000 word PWP slash fic on fanfic.net. 

This morning I decided to treat myself to an episode of Star Trek Voyager after winning possibly the easiest find-shit-on-the-screen game with the worst plot line ever. This wasn’t so much a treat as it was me trying to not finish watching the last few episodes of Leverage that I have left so they might last me until June when the next season starts.

Anyway, I’m watching an episode from the third season, Rise, where the Voyager crew is trying to save a newly colonized planet that is cursed with asteroid collisions. They can’t just blow up the asteroids with the phasers and they hear word from the surface that the composition of the asteroids is suspect so they decide to send a team down to investigate. This team consists of Tuvok, Neelix, and some representative from the planet.

Neelix, whose cranial coloring looks very much like the bruising on my mother's broken arm did

Tuvok. He must fap like forty times a day to maintain that type of pokerface.

 

When I watched Star Trek as a middle schooler, with eyes only for Chakotay, I didn’t really notice much about the Tuvok/Neelix relationship other than the two made a great comedy duo. Neelix is the resident camp counselor of Voyager, planning social nights and cooking for anyone who doesn’t want to eat replicator food and likes to gamble with their health. (Being that the Doctor is pretty sexy, I would probably be one of these people.) When his dynamic meets Tuvoks I’m-a-Vulcan-and-have-no-feeling-so-there personality, it’s cinematic gold, as far as Star Trek goes at least. Neelix tries to make Tuvok like him to no avail. Generally the episodes that have some sort of side story with the two of them end at some sort of awkward middle ground where Tuvok doesn’t have to actually say “I think you are worthy of breathing the air on this vessel” and Neelix can feel like Tuvok thinks that he is worthy. It’s all passive and lacks communication, like a loveless marriage. But a lot of things are like a loveless marriage these days.

Take this bit of dialogue as an example.

TUVOK: Mister Neelix.
NEELIX: Excuse me. Yes sir!
TUVOK: Your interpersonal activities are delaying our progress.
NEELIX: What do you mean?
TUVOK: Since we arrived, you have spent as much time engaged in idle conversation as you have making repairs.
NEELIX: I'm just trying to cheer everyone up a little.
TUVOK: Your function at the moment is to repair this vessel, not to boost morale. This is not the holodeck nor the mess hall. This is a life-threatening situation and your attention should be focused on one thing alone - our safe return to Voyager.
NEELIX: Sorry, sir. I'll finish as fast as I can.

The chemistry, it’s overwhelming. Sure, Tuvok points out the obvious using his rank to and logic to push Neelix into compliance. And then there’s the way that Neelix calls Tuvok “sir” that could be interpreted so many ways. Oh, and by “so many ways” I mean “could be turned into the most inappropriate slash fanfiction of all time.”

Let’s listen in some more, shall we?

NEELIX: I don't know. I've got a funny feeling about this.

TUVOK: I'm not interested in your funny feeling.

NEELIX: You're not listening to what I'm saying. Delirious or not, he said he needed whatever's up there. What if it's something that can help us?

TUVOK: I will not debate this with you. Please pilot the craft and remain silent.

NEELIX: You're going to listen to me!

TUVOK: You are becoming emotionally distraught. There is little point in furthering this discussion.

NEELIX: I'll tell you who's being emotional. You! You hide it beneath that Vulcan calm but truth is, you're filled with contempt and sarcasm, and I'm tired of being the target of all your hostility.

TUVOK: You are mistaken.

LILLIAS: No, he's not. I can see it every time you talk to Neelix. You're dismissive and condescending.

TUVOK: You are projecting your own emotional bias onto my actions. I have no feelings towards Mister Neelix.

NEELIX: That's right! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You have no feelings for me, but you have feelings against me. For three years you've ridiculed me and made it obvious to everyone that you have no respect for me, and I've tolerated it. You know why? You know why? Because you are smarter than I am, Tuvok, and more logical, stronger, superior in almost every way, and I admire you. But you don't have any instincts, have any gut feelings, and you don't really understand people. But non-Vulcans have feelings and they have to listen to them. I've got to listen to mine, and right now they're telling me we need to get up on that roof and find out what the Doctor was talking about.

TUVOK: I disagree.
NEELIX: Fine! But I'm the only one who can pilot this vessel, and we're not going anywhere until someone goes up on that roof.
TUVOK: You leave me little choice.



A little change ain't so bad Mister Vulcan



It’s almost as if the writers were asking for fanficiton with dialogue like this. Alright last little bit. This takes place at the end of the episode when the victimized aliens have been saved and the evil, colony-sabotaging aliens defeated, leaving the Voyager crew to get on with their daily lives until the Delta Quadrant produced another problem that only a noble, diverse Star Fleet crew can solve. At this time, Tuvok approaches Neelix to wrap up any suspicion that this relationship they are forming is accidental.

TUVOK: Mister Neelix, I thought you should know that I have submitted my mission report to the Captain. I've given you a special commendation for your endurance and bravery.

NEELIX: I'm honoured.

TUVOK: Your instincts were correct. However, one day your intuition will fail and you will finally understand that logic is primary above all else. Instinct is simply another term for serendipity.

NEELIX: And one day, Mister Vulcan, I'll get you to trust your gut.

TUVOK: That is doubtful.

NEELIX: We'll see.

TUVOK: Your attempts have yet to succeed.

NEELIX: You always have to get in that last word, don't you.
TUVOK: I'm simply responding to your erroneous statement.
NEELIX: Something tells me you just hate to lose an argument.
TUVOK: Losing is irrelevant.
NEELIX: See what I mean?
TUVOK: No, I do not.

As of now, I have not read any Tuvok/Neelix fanfiction of any kind. Nor have I written any. But I know it exists, not only because of rule 34 and 35 but because I would almost be disappointed if there wasn’t. I did a quick Google search in hopes of finding some sort of shoop of the two of them together (which you can generally find under the guise of “fanart”) and discovered that there are a lot of cats named Neelix. Here is a short montage.

These cats are actually Tuvok and Neelix and was the closest thing to fanart I could find. I think we all know what this 8-year-old is going to be doing in 5 years.

Daw, so cute. Almost makes it worth it. Wait, no it doesn't. Definitely doesn't.